Workplace Psychosis

So it has been no secret that I have been in a rut. Mentally strangling myself everyday to come up with what the next steps could be for me job wise and life wise. I have been given talent and at the same time have a huge helping of indecision. Many things interest me and I am quite skilled, but what does mama want to do? I guess I always thought it would be clear and when it wasn’t, I just knew that that really cool person, who has the greatest company and a bad-ass attitude, would meet me in a coffee shop and know I was for them. They would embarrass themselves by telling me how unique I was and how I must come work for them. They would wax on about the grooviest position and ask me if a gazillion dollars would woo me away from my mediocre position. Smiling coyly, I would say something sarcastic.They would shoot coffee out of their nose and we would remember that day that we met forever. And we would share it with all of our bad-ass coworkers in the future. Well, I am on my 1,232 cup of coffee and this cup is cold. They ain’t showing up, are they?

So, flash to me in my cube. I am drilling away, watching the clock, trying to meet tough metrics and a ladybug scares the shit out of me. Of all the things to make a girl shriek like she just caught her thong in the wrong spot. A ladybug flew off of me onto my keyboard. Holy spotted insect! He sat on the key of D. I tried to get him and accidentally pushed him between D and E. Yikes! I carefully maneuver him out with a pen, certain that I see legs coming off. Crap! I did not want the all familiar case of trying to save something living only to become their demise.

I cooed and whispered, “You do not belong in a place like this.” Suddenly it hit me…this beautiful creature was me. You do not belong in a place like this! I was crazed by the analogy. I had to save myself, I mean ladybug. Grabbing paper, I willed the legless ladybug to get on. Hopefully he was just coiled in a safety position. Did he, too, check his soul at the door as he entered the office, flying past the in/out board? Oh man, he IS me… I get him on the paper and he moves slightly. Yes! I quickly grab a Styrofoam 6 oz cup ( a sweet free perk of my job which we are often reminded not to take for granted. Much like the free salt and pepper packets that abound in the fancy breakroom). I  toss Ladybug in. Nice and safe. I do a quick check and to my horror he is drowning in the residual water left in the cup. I pour him out on my desk and blow. He raises an arm for me to stop or maybe for me to take his hand. He crawls on my arm… We’re outta here. I race down the aisle, people popping up like prairie dogs in their wall-less offices to see my rescue attempt. I throw the cup down in a fury as I pass through the waiting room and catch the elevator. I raise my arm and he scurries down. I put my arm down and he races up. I am caught in some freakish Hitler dance as I become more committed in these final moments to save me, and ladybug. On the first floor, I rush out through the doors and out into the sunshine…he takes flight.

“Fly away from here!” I shout as the leafblowers stop and stare. “Fly away!”

 Success. Phew. I walk back inside, laughing from the exhilaration. Alone, I start to ponder what the hell just happened. As I get in the elevator, I realize I had just endured a mini breakdown. I just identified with a trapped ladybug. I just raced to save his little existence from my daily life.

I knew, now, more than ever before that I needed to get off my ass and find my next step. I was so worried about Ladybug getting stuck in my environment. But what about me? Ain’t no one rushing to sweep me off my feet. Ain’t nobody waiting for me in that coffee shop. I need to put that effort into saving myself. I am caught between the keys of  D and E and I need to learn how to freakin fly and not to drown in any Styrofoam cups…even if they are free, damn it. I had been in denial until that little Ladybug delivered his message, “YOU DO NOT BELONG IN A PLACE LIKE THIS”.